Truths

laying down the heavy

I wrote the below words a couple of days ago when it felt like the life had been sucked from my body. I hesitate to share for the reasons I list below. I must share for the reasons I list below.

I feel deeply, fiercely sure that we must share our messy humanness, that we must allow the hard, unpretty truths to live on the outside of our bodies. If we only share our “highlight” moments, we do ourselves & each other a great disservice. We end up feeling like we’re the only one who struggles and that’s just—not true.

I will go as far as to say that wars are started (inside and outside of ourselves) because we think we need to hide the mess of ourselves.

What a relief it is when we give ourselves, and each other, permission to show up just as we are, when we are met with no need to fix.

I am happy to share that once I put words to my heaviness, something lifted. Ah, the power of words.

---

On another note, I am deeply grateful to share that I managed to drag my tired body across the country (with the help of an airplane, of course) where I have landed in the Arctic (aka—Vermont).

It doesn’t feel like I made the decision to come here, it feels like the decision made me.

---

---

I have ten days to myself—to rest, to sit in utter quiet, to do yoga, to sip hot tea, to take long walks in the cold cold cold, to watch snowflakes drift, to nap when my body insists, to light candles at all times of the day, and—to “work on” my third book. I put “work on” in quotes, because, really, my intention is to get out of my own way & listen listen listen.

And then, one step at a time, to follow the orders that come from the listening.

I am so deeply grateful for this time.

---

---

And now, for the truths…

---

Truths

---

I don’t know why today of all days is the day that I feel called to spill & share some deep truths. Truths so deep that there is a pool of tears in my eyes as I type these words.

And, here’s the truth, I don’t really know what these truths are until I put them into words, words that I type one at a time, inviting them to rise to the surface, to reveal themselves.

1). Truth #1. I am deeply tired. Bone tired. Tired of the terrible news. Tired of meanness, utter cruelty, disregard for all forms of life from our so-called leaders. Even a short headline brings the nausea, conjures feelings of despair, hopelessness, powerlessness.

2). Truth #2. I am scared so much of the time that it makes me afraid for myself. Scared of what? Scared of letting people down. Scared that I might have this heavy-stuck feeling forever. Scared I will never truly be able to speak what is aching inside me to speak. Scared I may never know true truth from true fear. Scared that my body will hold onto this extra weight (literal & metaphorical) forever. Scared of sounding cliché, unintelligent, too this, too that. Scared of being too scared to tell the whole truth. Scared that you might label me, rather than meeting me here in my messy humanness.

3). Truth #3. I feel heavy so much of the time that it is hard to move.

4). Truth #4. I trust that when I quiet the excessive mind noise, I can hear the truth. I trust that when I meet this, and this too, with acceptance/kindness/love, when I allow what is here to be here, I can breathe again. I trust that when I write the truth, I am released from the paralyzing grip that steals my breath and I can move again.

I trust the below words from my poem “The Cure for it All,” words that came to me at a time (several years ago) when I felt too heavy to move…

---

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe until you feel your bigness, until the sun rises in your veins. Breathe until you stop needing anything to be different.

---

Why do I share this with you? First, because I feel less heavy when I let truth live somewhere other than inside my body.

Also, because if you are feeling alone in your heaviness, I am here to tell you that I feel it too, that you are not alone.

Me too. Me too.

If you would like to share a truth or two of your own, I would love to receive it.

---

I will leave you with a mostly unedited poem I wrote (also a few days ago).

I send you love love love in the midst of—so much.

Julia xo

---

---

Here for it

---

I could have stuck with the plan 
this morning, but instead, I stand 
on the front porch and marvel
as the sky paints everything new—
pink, peach, buttery yellow, every shade
of gray, angel wisps of brilliant color, 
a pair of crows silently soaring. To think that 
life creates this kind of beauty each day, 
and how often we miss it—to be grateful 
that today I was all the way here. 
There is so much that feels unbearably 
awful and yet, there is this. Today, the new plan 
is simply to stand on the front porch 
and marvel. It spite of it all, light still shines 
on everything.

---

You can access all of the content for paid subscribers via the menu (on the home page of my Substack page) under the tab Write Yourself Free Community, including 41 weeks of “Sunday Sparks” & my conversations with poets/writers: Alix Klingenberg, Julie Barton, Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer) & artist/writer Carrie Schmitt, as well as the replay of last week’s “Write Yourself Free” class.

Click HERE to access all paid subscriber content

---

---